Yeah, but see, here’s the thing………….I mean, besides a resounding, “May the 4th be with you, to all you people with a lisp out there………..the thing is……….one of several……….is….even though my performance——my incredibly layered performance——–of “Carrie Fisher” in the show, “Wishful Drinking” was overlooked by the Tony Commission of the United States of Live Action Theater in Manhattan……..I find myself almost effortlessly able to maintain a brave front (on top of my redonkulously large 34 LL boozum)……..

Of course, yes, I spent years——-if not DECADES———working on what I like to think of as my delicately layered portrait of CARRIE FISHER——–that tragic, dual celebrity offspring/issue——-who went from intergalactic off center fold to  drug addicted cinematic side kick to bi polar one time bride of bite sized brilliant song writer to not so semi autobiographical novel scribbling mother of that beautiful child, fathered by that oops did I forget to mention I was bisexual and ever increasingly influential agent to everyone who is anyone in the Industry, to scream writing script doctor friend of that guy who turned out to be dead when I woke up next to him the morning after my ex’s star studded Oscar party……. to that nut house hopping, weight gaining bon mot mumbling one woman show running round the US, eventually winding up on that great white way for in excess of four months, a performance for which I was NOT nominated for the Antoinette Perry “Tony” Award today———-of all days——-May the forth——–which, for many lisping intergalactic devotees will always or never be remembered as the May the Forth—–yes………may the forth be with you—— and you and you and…………even you…….way out over there………that’s right…….YOU………

Couldn’t they see what a stretch it was for me to play, “Carrie Fisher”? Every nite and two times on Wednesday and Saturday,  I had to get out of my way——–all the way out and then slowly, slowly, cell by cell by syringe by syllable…….ever so surreptitiously and unsympathetically into…….whatever that was……… character?………a process so……..so…………well, as you can no doubt intuit…….among other things ……a process……requiring—– well………not only concentration, but …….something a little like………..COURAGE!  I mean, how many people can portray a……….a version of themselves without seeming to be other than who you were when your sense of identity was more intact…….You MIGHT say that on some level you were doing something that you were unaware you were engaged in conveying……….Oh sure……..you might say………how hard could that be? Pretending to NOT be pretending to be yourself? Ha! You might say——–where is the artistry in acting natural? Come on!  Isn’t everyone essentially acting like themselves everyday? (But without an intermission) Who do I think I am when I’m pretending to be real? If I’m apparently ‘down to earth’, where am I coming down to earth FROM? What would it mean, to award someone for acting like themselves? Wouldn’t we then have to award everyone for their daily portrayal of themselves in the role of, “ME”…………”THEM”…………”I”?

It was a stretch……….I admit………..sometimes I didn’t identify with the character of “Carrie Fisher”…………who is she? Is she who she was? Who she seems? What am I pretending not to know when I’m ‘acting naturally’? Isn’t that an oxymoron? Aren’t I? Am I who I say I am? Or am I someone else pretending to be me? Each night I presented myself AS myself. Someone you could relate to, if that’s something you were interested in doing, on top of relating to yourself and to others, whoever we all might be.

SO………..ANYWAY, and aside from any and all of that…………..

I suppose the message here is that I wasn’t really convincing as, “Carrie Fisher”. I wasn’t believable as myself. This only confirms what I used to feel when I was on hallucinogens. Back when I could actually spell that word, as well. Next time I won’t take on a roll that I have so little in common with. There’s a big difference between being brave and being over ambitious. The problem is,  a lot of times, I don’t really know what the difference is…….

If anyone has any advice on how I might’ve made the role more believable, I would really appreciate it. You know……..some insight on how best to make a character like Miss Fisher more……….relatable……….accessible………….REAL.

Until then……….may the fifth…….forth………..whatever the fuck……..be with whoever you’re hoping everyone believes you to be…………

xoxo CFF

Actually, this one time a friend of mine, Mike G, took me to a Grateful Dead concert in Manhattan. This is, like, three or four million years ago. Anyway…….we go to this concert, (on mushrooms, of course. Normally we took acid, hallucinogenic wise, but for whatever reason this nite we opted for the mushroom route)…….ANYWAY, Mike takes me backstage, cause he is not only friends with Jerry Garcia, he gets our LSD from Owlsley——-whose like the LSD guru and apparently in Jerry’s  super exalted circle as well——-

SO…….

Mike and I are in Jerry’s dressing room talking to Jerry about this and that (doesn’t everyone?) and somehow the conversation drifts over to heroin——-don’t ask———and, somehow I had overlooked trying smack at that point, so, mustering my newbi nerve I ask Jerry, “What’s it like?” and I’ll never forget this………he makes a motion like scissors with his forefinger and middle finger, you know what I mean, right?  cutting this big square in the air around his face and as he’s doing this he says, “It cuts away care..”

Truer words, right?

I wish I could’ve found something I loved more than I hated feeling…….well, we could just start with that——-feeling. Why couldn’t I love something or someone in life more than I worshiped feeling close to or altogether numb?

I KNOW  love my daughter that much. But other than her,  I just could never seem to make any more of these more noble feelings last forever. Like every day forever. Instead of eventually wanting to stop the world revolving me around til I was at my misfits end……..and heading resolutely down oblivion road, head hanging in shame, eyes half mast in ingestion…….

Now, I’m not a COMPLETE idiot………I KNOW you can’t like EVERYTHING you do. I understand that right down to my bright shiny bones…….so why couldn’t I apply that in an unending way……….How bout life’s too short to shorten it more by smoking and snorting and slipping pills in my face for sustenance. Life is too short when these sorts of feelings bubble up long…….Keep more stuff in mind that you manage to slip in your mouth……..Crooked priorities……What I’m like in life is sometimes more than a little too real………Couldn’t I want to make my family and friends happy more that I wanted to do these tricky little inroads heading straight for NOT UN-happy? Couldn’t I do my best and someone better’s best too?

When I take myself away from the me I don’t want to be, I take me away from them too…….And every nite I waited from my ultimate comeuppance. I wanted to push it too far…….Finally all those infractions I ingested would add up, eventually subtracting  me right out of this math of being me……an equation keeping me in a world  that finally didn’t add up………..
Lost the thought found the feelings…….on drugs, off kilter……….more, better, different, less

TO BE CONTINUED….

I had dental surgery this week. My daughter was thrilled (in a mellow, knowing way), because`I was not given pain medicine—–despite the severity of the procedure. The theory behind this perhaps unique form of post operative pain control was that one is only allotted a certain amount of opiates in a lifetime and I had used my coupon. Come to think of it, I may have used a few other people’s coupons as well. And if you think that you may have been one of those people whose coupon I have——–however inadvertently usurped—–Please accept my heartfelt apology.

The funny thing is that I discovered thru this experience that things like Advil actually work. I’m just saying………

Here’s the other thing I was going to tell you. Someone wrote me —– a bipolar someone—- wondering how I managed to move thru this wide, wild world of ours and actually manage to accomplish things. Accomplish, and, at intervals, even thrive. So I thought about it. (I also thought about this other girl posting that she found me annoying. And I concluded that I also found myself annoying at times as well………Empathy anyone?)

Anyhow, this bipolar person was curious how I managed to function given that I was still symptomatic enough mentally ill-wise to require and/or benefit from ECT. One thing that may have assisted in this endeavor is that when I started lurking around 12 step meetings and attending every sort of intensive known to man about …….lets say……….27 or 8 years ago………(not that I’ve been sober for that length of time, by something very like a long shot)…….I found myself resenting the fact that I HAD to go to some of these meetings if I was interested at all in ensuring a semi chaos free existence———-

Come ON!!!!!!!

Didn’t they know that I had better things to do with my time??!!!!!? Better people to hang out with, FAR better places to hang out with them in compared to human ish churches!!!!!………

Didn’t they know who I WAS?????

Didn’t they know who I wanted them to think I was?

Yes, fine, I admit I had sunk quite low in anyone and everyone’s estimation………but that STILL didn’t stop me from thinking that this sort of solution was FAR beneath me.

I may have shared my feelings of displeasure to someone——-I must have———because only a statement such as that would have provoked this person to say, “You don’t have to like these meetings, you just have to go.”

WHAT?????

Wait. Not…….cause see, I thought I had to like everything I did, right? I mean, life was too short for me to accept feelings of upset or———

What a fucking concept.! You mean I DIDN’T have to like what I did all the time?

(making me the ultimate candidate for drug addiction. Having a hard time? Upset? Lonely or lost in the crowd? Can’t seem to feel like everyone else seems????======…….bottom line is——-get loaded!!!! Someone says, “I could care less.!” and you think, “Shit, I COULD care less. I could care less all the goddam time, in fact. I couldn’t care less that the more that I do!)

Well, it turns out that I’m kind of a moron. I forgot that if you say something on twitter there’s every chance that that dumb twit will go—–if not around the world, then in too many places for comfort.

I tweeted about my father’s health the other day. I mentioned that he was having episodes that could be classified as delusional. Sadly, this is true. But it’s only true some of the time. Especially at night, when there’s less blood in the brain. The whole laying down process is not conducive to creating the sharpest of wits. I believe there’s a condition called Sundown Syndrome, where seniors become more confused as the moon gets higher in the sky.

My dad at 81might not be the most active of the elder set, but he absolutely knows me and we have coherent conversations. (which is a huge deal, when you factor in both of our substance abuse histories) It may be more accurate to say that we have OUR VERSION of coherent conversations. And let’s face it, a lot of the time, coherence is HIGHLY over rated, and something both my father and myself spent an inordinate amount of time avoiding.

My father is no longer ambulatory, but he’s making the best of a challenging situation. I know a number of people in their 80’s that are living very active, vital lives. Unfortunately my dad is not one of these sorts of seniors.

Recently I was regaling my dad with tales of my recent travels. He interrupted me saying, “I wish I had your life!” I told him, “You did! That’s why you’re in bed now!”

My father loves watching the news and ADORES President Obama. So his sense of good government has not been impaired. His post sundown confusion includes the feeling that he has been locked in a bakery and needs to get out, so he can continuing planning a fundraiser with/for Obama. I would say that he’s putting the fun in fun-draiser…….My dad has had a VERY full life. Over flowing full. And now he’s taking a much needed rest. He lives in a lovely, little house in Berkeley with a view of the bay that we found for him and has some very capable care givers. He’s lucky he can afford the kind of care he’s receiving…..

As far as the bakery goes……..I can think of worse places to imagine being locked in. I mean, if you have to have the occasional delusion, Obama, fresh bread and cookies.

xocff

I had ECT yesterday, & the main thing that I remember about it is (other than hardly anything at all) that when they dragged me on my little gurney to its resting place beside Dr. Kramer and his machine that will electrocute me to adorable wellness……….

ECT

Dr. Kramer gazed down at me and said, “Let’s see how much glitter you have on today!” But after studying me briefly, he noticed that I was virtually glitter free. “Am I to assume that this is a sign that you’re depressed? Should we shorten the time between treatments?”

The bottom line is that to ascertain whether or not I’m depressed these days, you no longer have to scrutinize my bummed out or beatific expression———just check and see how much glitter I’m sporting on my eye lids and such…………..

I still haven’t un packed my bags and bags of glitter……….the glitter I used or didn’t use in New York———because I can’t imagine where I can keep it. So there it is, in bags and boxes, in my bathroom, waiting for me to make up my newly electrocuted mind.

xo CFF

Have been on a cooking bender of late. In my belated, and perhaps misguided attempt to resemble a “mother”………a traditional mother, that is. One quite unlike my own mumbly peg mom…….Not that there’s anything WRONG with my mother’s rendition of parenting. Far from it. She was both mother and father to my brother and I. Not only that, but an amazing role model for not only overcoming all obstacles, but thriving and excelling once said overcoming——after miles of doing—– done. ———-at least til the next time. Had my mother bothered to assemble a motto or six, one of them could have been, “If at first you do succeed, then by God, there’s a good chance you could succeed again. And even another time after that——–Only this time your success might (have to?) come from an unexpected direction. Unexpected perhaps, but not wholly unfamiliar.”

As mottos go, this one is, admittedly, more than a bit unwieldy……..But I”ve never been accused of being succinct. Bloated, yes. Endless, absolutely. But succinct & myself is ANYTHING but a match.

ANYWAY……….

I was discussing my recent sojourn in my kitchen. Slaving over stoves and suchlike. I find it so restful at times, you know? Stop me if I’ve told you this before, but giving yourself over to the dictates of recipes is……….a relief, you might say. (If I hadn’t already) Deciding on what recipe you’ll be working from—-once that’s over, your deciding is done. For this while anyway. Until the next recipe, or the one after that. The recipe suggests that you get a cup of milk. No big deal. When you’ve done that you could get a teaspoon of vanilla…….or even baking soda. And on and on you go——–assembling all that the recipe asks of you——-until it’s time for the oven or the stove! And after all this——–I”m sorry if I sound ridiculous———but after all this, there’s this thing that you made! A thing you can give to other people to put in their bodies———-a practical, tangible sort of caring. You feed them! They put your food into a slot in their heads! It’s pretty intimate, if you think about it from an unnecessarily weird angle. —-Which I don’t encourage you to do. That way madness lies. With me, spread out beside it.

ANYWAY,

All this to say………I’ve cooked things that I’ve cooked before. I’m a creature of habit. In the kitchen and elsewhere…….But then……..THEN……my daughter suggested that I venture out of my safe assortment of dishes and move on into the realm of THINGS I HAND MADE BEFORE. So I did. I made fettuccine alfredo! Raspberry muffins! Christmas morning muffins! Non hash brownies! Cheese Souffle with bacon!!!! Rice pudding! (three times———bad results…….would appreciate suggestions……)
Since “Wishful Drinking” closed, this is the most creative thing I’ve done. Oh, I’ve written. But I’ve cooked more.
Maybe I’m cooking to avoid writing. I used to clean the house———-throwing out a no longer welcome accumulation of ‘cargo’, and thrusting it out into the world. Re arranging rooms and reading books. Even RE reading them! All in an effort to not put things into words. I deliberately keep things OUT of words——-instead stuffing the un words into stoves and mouths and storage boxes and a sprinkling of expectant, outstretched hands. But I’m afraid I can indulge in these caprices any longer…(didn’t I just sound British there? This movie, “Darwin” is on in the background, and the accents in it have infected me with it’s affectation)

That’s all for the immediate now. The movie just ended and I guess I did too. For now, anyway. For the immediate and on going now, Charles Darwin and I bid you adieu.

Talk to you soon…………

Sorry about silence! Have become something of a shut in since I returned and MUST get a new laptop! An assortment of letters are sticking—–many of them useful!

I was hoping to go on a vacation after the past 2 and a half years of performing around this great land of ours…….but alas and alec (baldwin), it appears that those plans will not be taking effect any time soon…….home appears to be where my heart is, as I am zuzzing around with my daughter and re establishing my connection with my erstwhile roots here in sunny and very unlike my recent eastcoast sojourn…….

My house has been waiting expectantly all this time and I have no wish to let it down for this twinkle of a bit…….

So, though I am multi saddened that I am not someone currently scanning the globe——-checking it for holes and hiding places…….. finding my way around the landscapes of Billie Lourd and all her treasured terrains is all the trek I need
Perhaps I can nip off somewhere and sample the tastes of some culture or other that isn’t as faraway as Asia…….but meanwhile, my proposed schlep to Harbin, China and its alluring month long Ice and Snow fest will have to be shelved til next February……I  hhhhhhhhhope (the “h” sticks the most!) that things would change, allowing me to waltz around and wander thru wonders, asian, amazing and other…….oh well……..
In the cosy interim, I’ve been reading a lot and exercising with my beloved Dion again (who I have worked out with ever since my first and most profound visit to the mental hospital 12 years ago———–) So perhaps I’ll be able to rid myself of the additional flesh I’ve been amassing for the last several years while performing and grazing the good old U S of A for food items that have contributed to my currently unrecognizable and tragic flesh bag———-the bag that houses my bigger than life personality

Haven’t written as much as I should  lately……maybe this is a sign that that will soon change

My father has melted much more and thinks that he’s been locked in a bakery and needs to get out to go to a fundraiser that he and Obama and a famous  base ball player are giving. So I’ll have to go visit him in Berkeley soon to spring him from between the hot rolls and the cheese cake…….

That’s all for now……..but hopefully this will herald a much more regular and predictable communication and put an end to my recent quiet time……..

cff

You know those people you can’t imagine ever saying, “you know—–you may be right!” or, “Huh, I never thought of it that way…..that’s a good point!” Certainty freaks…..Their version of things is THE version. Nothing in them is teachable….

I could go thru a bunch of stories, wagging my tail, eager to please, all in a sometimes desperate attempt to get you to like me. Actually, I don’t want you to like me so much as be the greatest person you ever met. I want to explode in the night sky of your approval. So rather than going thru all that effort of charming you….. Pushing you to a state of grinning til your face hurts—– what are we pretending not to know here? Instead of frantically trying to coax your good opinion out of you like a crazed suitor, & in the name of saving a lot of energy on both sides I want to propose an understanding——- you loan me your good opinion & I’ll use it as down payment on a little place where I can go to when my bad weather threatens on the horizon—– where I can wait out the storm of uncertainty—-

XxOOxXo CF

Look you guys——

all of u that r shocked & seemingly upset about my weight—–

I might be more upset than you are, (can’t tell sometimes—–obviously more of u r SHOCKED about my weight—–can’t say I’m USED to it, but hardly SHOCKED by now…..)

Contrary to appearances, I’m busting my bovine ass to lose weight to avoid some of this snarky chatter—but it looks as if I might as well have been eating carrot cake all over town…..

Amazing as this might sound, I BARELY eat a fucking thing, AND I exercise regularly, get  acupuncture—-AND I take hundreds of these enormous, annoying vitamins……but it would appear that between being 5 foot ONE & 53 years old (in 3 weeks), I’m not going to be shedding a bunch of pounds anytime soon…..I suppose I could completely STARVE myself, but then I wouldn’t have the energy to do my show, be myself AND (most importantly, of course) defend myself on the Internet to those I’ve been upsetting with my increased presence……..

I hate going on these talk show excursions, cause everytime I do, the Internet fills up with what a fat act I’ve become……

I WOULD stop taking my mood medication, which might make me easier in the eyes in one way, but harder on the ears, in terms of having to decipher the deranged ravings of an unstable and/or unhinged mind….,
I know! Why not read what I write while looking at an old picture……

Then you’ll have the best of BOTH worlds——surf AND turf—–body by youth, aging encouraged wisdom…..
And yes, I actually DO have a stylist—–one with a sense of humor, Thank God

Don’t worry, I won’t try modeling any time soon….

May the force of my exasperation be with you…..

CF

People come to the show expecting to see Carrie Fisher…..if only we could agree about who she actually is…..then we’d all know who it was that turned up on stage admitting & declaring things left & right! Things that become less true as soon as she says them…..Especially when she makes fun of these things—–which is most of the time……why, they’re just stories then—–which is—–no doubt—-partly what she intends. Another way of looking at it is that she’s just bragging——look what weak things I can tell u in a strong voice! Can YOU do that??! I HOPE so! That’s partly why Carrie does it! As a blueprint for you to follow so you can do it too! But she’s not as altruistic as all that. Why, down deep, (which isn’t very far) she’s a real show off! Not only that, she wants you to like her! A Lot! Even LOVE her! And she’ll do anything to achieve that goal! She’ll tell people the most outlandish, even otherwise personal things! She tries to only admit things about herself——-but because she’s lived her life (sometimes inadvertently) among people—-every so often someone else gets hauled into one of her stories & embarrassed half to death…..not that she doesn’t try to avoid that by getting everyone’s permission to appear by her thorny side—-but she realizes that sometimes people don’t admit to things out of pride—–or something similar…….so it’s difficult to avoid the occasional almost inadvertent embarrassment.

She hopes people like her show, cause if they don’t, they kinda don’t like her. I say, “kinda”, cause no one can put themselves into words without leaving SOME of themselves out. The one part they have to leave out necessarily is the part that observes the things she tells you. A safe little “I” that always watches, always keeps a not always so safe distance, so she can tell on herself later. She can impress you with her ability to know herself, & in knowing, reveal. The unexamined life might not be worth living, but the over examined life can be a little awkward to exist with —— that’s why I portray the life I’m not always thrilled to live onstage…… my life seems to be a balance of what I’ve heard someone describe as between “privilege & ordeal”…..

Overall though, Carrie Fisher means well. She wouldn’t want to hurt anyone—–& that almost always includes herself. Though occasionally accidents do happen…..en route to the oblivion she’s been caught trying to arrange for herself by mixing concoctions that could end up actually endangering her life. But she swears she isn’t trying to kill herself…..just un- live little parts of her life…..a goal she sometimes accidentally overshoots, to be sure. But she PROMISES it’s an accident——she wants to blur, not blot out…..

I wouldn’t want to blot myself out——Carrie Fisher wouldn’t either——-because of her daughter, Billie. But not only because. A little bit because of herself—–whoever that is—–and because of her friends and family too. That would be an awful thing to leave them with. So she stays. She outlives herself and goes on and on and on——taking credit for the shit Carrie Fisher does. At times. And sometimes she tries to convince you that she’s not really herself. That is—-the person onstage—-even the one off. She exists between the two. A blur between them. A Blur but not a Blot. A well intended eccentric. Keeping herself at arms length from her emotional world as best she can. Which isn’t always great. Wishing so much to keep herself detached. The one thing she can’t do. She AND Carrie Fisher. None of her can keep detached——–consistently gets hurt, even though she tries to put herself in words to stay safe and out of the way of  that pain that comes with being human. A human with a head. And not a half hearted human at that, but whole hearted—–a heart riddled with holes.

Riddle me this then……..if I’m not Carrie Fisher, whose keeping herself rested so she can portray Carrie Fisher at nite on the stage of Studio 54? We have an arrangement, Carrie and I…….I’ll take care of her if she’ll do a good impression of me onstage.

xoxxoCF