Bergdork’s,Billie and the Apple of an indeterminate size………
By Carrie • Jun 19th, 2009 • Category: NewsWell, here I am again, after a long, inexcusable interim. The only thing I can say in my defense, (and in no particular order), we were in New York and kept fairly active, gamboling about, having meetings and seeing people and plays, along with the indisputable fact that I’m lazy and seemingly incapable of doing anything on a daily basis, excepting regular sessions where I beat myself up for NOT doing things on a daily basis, but ALSO, (as if the above wasn’t enough to ponder), I’m overweight, so I have to spend A LOT of time being horrified about that, (and for those of you sporting extra pounds, you know how time consuming THAT can be)…………additionally, I also went shopping with my daughter and her boyfriend, Max, pretending that I had a gift certificate at Bergdorf’s, so she’d “let” me buy her something and not have to feel guilty about my spending money I don’t have, after spending a year on the road doing a show they paid me the show business equivalent of what Girl Scouts make selling those cookies. And, of course I HAVE to buy my daughter things so she’ll like me more! Not that that worked with my mother when I was a teenager—–she could’ve bought me a block of apartment buildings & a house in the South of France, and I would STILL have shunned her company……
But Billie’s distaste for my presence seems to have abated somewhat lately—-though I doubt that’s because I bought her a skirt at Bergdorf’s.
I HOPE she doesn’t like me more because I’m what might be considered a “cool” mom. It’s very five minutes ago to be a cool mom. Especially when the mom has qualities that aren’t exactly coveted when casting around for a role model Now, nothing short of a scowling face, registering haughty disapproval will do when arriving at this years example of the ideal mother. Every interaction with the new chilly cool mom is laced with suspicion and a kind of smug impatience, implying she’s seen all this before, Ugh…….they’re so PREDICTABLE. Why can’t it END, so I can be with my other Republican friends and sneer at the left’s ABSURD and DANGEROUS politics that inevitably corrupt their useless, brainless teens…….
But no matter how hard I try, I end up grinning and offering whatever my daughter’s gang might want——-”Have you guys eaten?” “Can I get you a Shirley Temple?” “Why don’t we go down to Sharper Image and buy Guitar Hero or any other damn thing you want!” “Look! I made you guys chocolate souflee! Who wants some?!” “Three more boys are at the gate! Tell me when you’re ready to order pizza or need me to heat the jacuzzi!”
Suffice to say, I”m pathetic. All kooky & cute and wanting—-if not to fit in—–then to be appreciated. “Your mom is GREAT!” Her friends would tell her, when I was just out of ear shot, “I wish I had a mother as funny and ……..well……..all round AWESOME as yours is!”
That might be what I want, but what I more often seem to get is, “Aren’t you supposed to be writing, mom?” “I thought you had that article to finish?”
Oh well………at least she’s hanging out……..if not WITH me so much as NEAR me………….I can watch her at a safe distance, relieved that—–in spite of all the things I did that might have scarred her—-that I have this beautiful, confident child, whose laugh I can just make out underneath the blaring music. And no amount of ECT can make me forget the things I did that could’ve all but garunteed that this was not exactly the outcome that waited for me………
hello!!
i haven’t been on here in ages, not because i didnt want to, but because the internet box actually broke here.. and before that i went to australia for 8 days, as you do, and was crazily busy and before that I was at my parents house which is in the middle of no-where and ‘broadband’ is as exotic and distant as eldorado…. so anyway don’t think i vanished out of not wanting to read your blog. Like you’re even gonna have NOTICED that i wasnt on your blog…..
anyway what i was going to say before i got diverted to the story of my life with dodgy connection was that no matter what you did or didnt do in the past, it sounds like you’ve been an amazing mum to billie, and probably you’ve been there for her when you haven’t really been there for yourself… plus you’ll have inadvertantly taught her to be resilient and to find the funny side in most things – which is an absolute necessity in this life if you want to get past 20 without either going nuts or becoming an accountant.
also love the line about the show-business equivalent of the cookies – as a venue tech I can SO relate to that one!!
keep having fun with billie & enjoy berkeley (again) next month!!
sarah
You’re very interesting. I’m not sure if it helps or hinders my comprehension but I hear your words in your voice from when you played the counselor is Austin Powers. Weird, all the little bits a brain will pop up. Reminds me of C. J. Cherryh’s Cyteen novel.
Thank you.
I check about three times a day to see if a new blog is up (no pressure)–so I’m very excited! I must say, I’m incredibly jealous that you’re in NYC. I’m in Oregon studying for the Bar exam (in a library study room at the moment) and I haven’t seen the light of day in weeks. I keep daydreaming about going to NYC and wandering around, taking in the energy. Hopefully I’ll be able to put my federal loan money to good use after the Bar.
Enjoy NYC for me!
Samantha
Glad to have you back.
And hey, there’s nothing wrong with being everyone’s favourite mom
My mum was the same way when I was a kid, and the whole neighbourhood hung around our house (in retrospect it was amazing how many “happened” to regularly show up at dinner time, knowing she’d feed everyone)
I appreciate the heck out of her
I am always excited to see a new post, checking your site is the first thing I do when I get home from a long day at work/school….I probably sound like some kind of nutter.
Anyways, I’m sure all teens act like they don’t want mamma around, when I was in the teen years I hated to be around my mother, and now she’s one of my best friends…also I have a friend whose daughter is about the same age as yours and she and her mom butt heads all the time, so I guess it’s normal. I guess I should really be enjoying the time I have with my three year old, because I’m probably gonna get it in about ten years!
Brandy
Carrie, I gave birth to my daughter with a mid-wife 21 years ago in August and I home-schooled her but I wasn’t a ’strict’ mom by any means. While my family and in-laws wanted me to ’spank’ my child when she threw a tantrum I believed in letting her express her raw rage and frustration. I stubbornly persisted [against my husband's wishes too, who thought I should 'spank'] and, low and behold my daughter ended up being so ‘mellow’ and sweet and well-behaved by the time she was 4-5 years of age it was pretty miraculous to behold.
I home-schooled my daughter but she had ‘regular-schooled’ friends and when my daughter was around 14 years of age and the hormones were raging I bought her a ’stimulator’ [not for internal use lol]. I’ve been my daughter’s ‘buddy’ too and buddied with her friends and boyfriends so that I wasn’t ‘closed-off’ from her life [which can happen so easily]. My repub ‘hub’ hated many of my methods until they proved ‘right’. My daughter moved in with her boyfriend late last year [against my husband and I's wishes] but, she’s moving back with me and she’s going to take some college courses and try to do right for HERSELF. She aced her GED and she’s finding ‘God’ in her own way [religion was something I NEVER wanted to shove down her throat since I'm not particularily 'religious' and my mother had shoved her own whack brand of religion down my throat growing up which really soured me to the whole 'religion' thing].
As far as ‘weight’ issues are concerned, I struggle with them all of the time. I used to freak out if I didn’t fit into my ‘usual’ clothes and then I ‘d starve myself which just caused my metabolism to go into ‘hibernation mode’ which ain’t cool either because then I’d end up gaining a pound over eating a frickin’ small piece of lettuce! If your meds are causing your weight gain then that is something you’re going to have to find a way to work around and find foods that help make you feel energized and your vibrant self without feeling bloated and believe me, I know bloated. BLEH! I HATE feeling that way.
My hormones have been so whickety whack lately that I just want to scream. Some days my boobs are HUGE and other days they are back to normal, some days my stomach is lean and flat and other days my stomach looks like I ate a clown car! AHHHHHHHHHHH. Frustrating? YES.
I can only imagine what you’re going through with life, stress, diet, meds and getting lousy pay on top of it all.
Carrie, you inspire me that we are all human and all going through this journey together…
Never feel alone.
Sincerely,
Angelina [Yeah, THAT Angelina again]
Yes, but somebody has to have the cool mom. Mine was more than a little uptight, so to have the respite of a buddy’s cool mom was always so much fun.
Besides, only cool moms say “gamboling”. Just so you know.
You crack me up!! You’re a great writer…..I love how much of your whacky inner dialogue you share…..it makes me feel less crazy…….thanks ……
not to worry..there will come a day when she will look at you and go ‘damn, she’s smart.’…or ‘funny’ or cool..and that will last about 3 years and then you’ll become that stupid woman again…it goes in stages..by the time your my age and my kids are in their late 30’s and mid 40’s…you dont really care what they think..because they have given you granddaughters and they think I’m cool and the best grannie in the world…so fuck the kids..wait for the grandkid..
amazing how well our children can turn out in spite of the idiocy we expose them to in their formative years. i just figure they saw what bad could be like and did their damnedest to excell way past what could have become a cliched upbringing. might have been the cool mom but only semiconscience to it, made sure every little thing they needed was there except my attention. the only gamble i ever took was my kids and i hit the jackpot, sounds like u did too.
yippee! something to read by Carrie Fisher. even if you don’t post here everyday it is still less time to wait than between books.
your daughter sounds like a lovely young woman. congratulations.
What made me The Most Popular Mom In First Grade this year?
An all-girls slumber party with seven little heads, three dozen Chic-Fil-A nuggets and a Luau spread, two terrifed black cats, a closet full of Disney Princess tulle costumes, a high-quality play kitchen and a bucket of Wal-Mart plastic play food, a pile of half-naked Barbies, one Hannah Montana CD in a brand new stereo, a 10:00 pm fashion show, a karaoke machine, tolerant neighbors, and only three rules:
1) No crying.
2) No bleeding.
3) Drinks only on the patio.
It took two weeks and special intervention from my housekeeper to get the destruction cleaned up. But man, EVERY girl in Bank of America Learning Acadamy knows who Sophia’s mom is!!!!!!!
Hi Carrie,
Just enjoy the ride of your daughter wanting to be within 20 feet of you at this age! She sounds like one of those rare gems that I have for a son. They understand us and they really DO appreciate us, (as much as we don’t want to believe this wonderful thought). The reason I say “we” is I was born on the same day as you, yep, October 21st, 1956 and I just read your latest book, “Wishful Drinking” which I thought was a complete riot. Carrie, if I may, (and I have alot of nerve here), may I say We HAVE to learn how to laugh at ourselves. Our lives are what Shakespeare had in mind when he wrote all those trageties for Christ’s sake, (Not that I believe in Christ by any means). I could tell you stories about my own life that would curl your toes and make you too a believer in what I am saying. You want to hear the funniest part of MY family history? I’M the normal one!!! That, to me, is the most horrendous and funniest thing I’ve ever known. Anyway, I do not wish to go on about myself, that would be out of character, so, let me introduce myself and tell you I am so happy to hear that you too are amazed at the absurdity of life. Thank you. I wish, just once, someone would suprise me. Enjoy every moment with your daughter. I promise she’ll be your best friend for the rest of your life (a treasured secret you can keep within your heart and you need not tell anyone).
With love and gratitude for you being who you are,
Deb
My, how heart felt, touching and sweet your latest post was! Love it.
So enjoy your blog. Watched ‘Hannah & Her Sisters’ for the umpteenth time and realized that was you as Diane’s friend/rival for Sam’s affection. Great movie. Loved you in ‘When Harry Met Sally’ too. Love your mom, too…guess everyone does.
Carrie no need to excuse your every absence. Every great musician must learn that the pauses are just as significant as the notes themselves. And don’t beat yourself up over what you deem to be mistakes in your parenting. If you had to be perfect to have children, the human race would have ended with Adam. Every adult child eventually comes to appreciate how difficult it must have been to be their parents.
Besides, as a fellow fatty I understand you have bigger fish to fry (pun intended). You are losing out on precious self-hating time when your focus is directed elsewhere other than your ever-expanding waistline. I do reccomend the book Adrenal Fatigue by Dr. James Wilson if you want to lose some weight naturally. If anything this wonderful book will excuse you from having to stress out about anything anymore…doctor’s orders.
just relax about the weight. when you’ll be ready to lose it, you will. in the meantime, eat. you will be thinner one day & if you can look back on it, remembering how much you enjoyed snarfing down this & that, you’ll smile. this is what i’m trying to do, so god dammit, back me up.
i like new york
Hi Carrie,
Just wanted to say I’ve always thought that you are excellent. I just finished Wishful Drinking and loved it, of course. I must immediately run out and get The Best Awful and Delusions of Grandma, lol. It was a book that made me laugh out loud, and one I could relate to in some small ways (i.e. when having a psychotic nervous breakdown, the radio as well as CNN can also be your enemy). Anyway, keep it up! I would love to see your show in Chicago if you drop in to this little midwest town, ha! Love the Blog!!!
Regards,
XOXO Shanna
“We’re all crazy…some of us just get caught.” -Lewis Grizzard
your interim is Utterly Excusable.
why should you become a prisoner of your own blog?
as you can, and we catch as catch can, ain’t?
she owes you forever because you named her Billie. You could have named her Ethel or Jane, and deep down she knows that. The burden of gratitude on the children of the One Parent is often cloaked in a layer of contempt.
service is not pathetic, and Love is the main event.
is the souffle for them or for you?
a woman goes to a meeting. someone knocks over the coffee, and 11 people with paper napkins leap up saying “I’m sorry!”
a woman goes to commit suicide. she jumps off a bridge and someone else’s life flashes before her eyes.
humor and love are a priceless combo of parenting –
there’s a plus-size clothing store in NYC near the Museum of Modern Art. It’s called “The Forgotten Woman”.
what if you put on a scarf every morning, and the label said “The Forgiven Woman”?
xox
Your writing has been like a friend to me since I first read the galleys of “Postcards” so I hope my writing can return the favour here.
Consider letting yourself off the hook vis a vis Billie’s life. And consider the possibility that it’s okay to do so.
“But I was manic! I did drugs! I turned her dad gay!”
Maybe so, but you’ve been working on a nifty new career path (though it’s not yet lucrative) and 20something years after I read those galleys you’re still writing, despite everything. Grown-ups know those two things alone are worth celebrating, even if teenagers don’t. Don’t let the teenager in your house or in your head keep you from celebrating the successes you’ve earned.
And fuck the fat thing. You’re a woman AND you work in Hollywood, for Christ’s sake — you’re not allowed to feel thin enough. Ever. Size zero is the burqa of the western world.
Peace out, babe.
Such a beautiful entry about motherhood
just remember…you’re HER person.
seems like she’s at the point where she’s working on defining exactly who the HER is.
there’s always a conflict when your friends think your mom is cool & you think she’s the biggest dork ever,
because it’s not cool to agree with your friends that your mom is cool, even if deep down, you know she is.
in fact, it may make you exaggerate your opinion of your mom’s uncoolness.
Sorry, I know English not very good to understand posts at all, but I know that are so…beautiful person, woman, like you, Carrie. And the greatest thank you for Princess Lea.
Carrie, quit beating yourself up. You would be surprised how many people love you and want only the best for you. I saw you on the Tonys, and as always, you looked adorable. So you gained a few pounds. Who cares! We were looking at YOU. We wait with baited breath to here what you have to say. Keep speaking and know we are here listening!
P.S. You’re a great mom. Look at what you created!
Ahh yes, the ‘weight’ issue – I want to weep when I see pictures of myself, even the new slightly ‘thinner’ version – alas, if only the energy we spend berating ourselves could burn off the calories….
*hugs*
And Carrie – you’re still awesome in my book.
Even though I read it the day before it was officially released (thanks to a screw up at Borders on Sunset Blvd), I am listening to Wishful Drinking as I work, because my job is otherwise mind-numbing on occasion. You are SO much MY Cary Grant, I can’t tell you. I didn’t grow up with celebrities, but I work with them on occasion, and have been lucky enough to meet the short list of people I have admired all my life. Cher, Warren Beatty, Annette Bening, you get the idea. And you are the ONLY one that made me weak in the knees. Like, literally. I had to go and sit down after. Which was mortifying, because I normally pride myself on being composed and articulate in those situations. I’m not quite sure why you had that effect on me, but there you go. The second (and only other) time I met you, I found my knees quite solid, but when you mentioned that you remembered my name from blog comments, well, there went my speaking abilities. oops! I haven’t been speechless since I was an infant. Congrats on being the first person to shut me up in many years.
Geez, this has nothing to do with your blog entry. But it was in my head, and there you are, so here it is. If I ever end up with a drug problem, I’ll be sure and have my parents contact you so you can call me.
xo,
Ericka
Yes….the cool Mom syndrome…translated to the cool Dad syndrome. Say, no matter how cool you are, how much they get away with (even if it’s just small stuff)…they still leave you a note and take off.
You think you’ve instilled feeling and values, but realize for some reason, they didn’t take with the second one.
Oh, well.
Life I guess!
bubbles shouldn’t get too close to porcupines….
xox
I wonder if your mother felt the same way about you when she was addicted to Hollywood – worried and scared. She obviously made some lousy choices and undoubtedly knew it at the time but was unable/incabaple/unwilling of facing up to them. It’s good that your daughter sees that you have mostly forgiven your mom.
I’m guessing you are an ENFP? Too much personality for one and not enough for two. Sounds like my life. Loved your books….mostly for what you don’t write. Can’t wait for the next one. Hope you delve a little deeper and reveal a little more. Humor is obviously your superman cape, but it would be nice to learn more about the Clark Kent side of you.
“my other Republican friends and sneer at the left’s ABSURD and DANGEROUS politics that inevitably corrupt their useless, brainless teens…….”
Yea, those Republican scandals just keep coming FAST and FURIOUS!
I wrote a friend of mine that I had written a little prayer for Republicans that goes something like this:
“G-d, please don’t let this “Governor Sanford missing” scandal involve any Republican behavior that includes prostitutes and dirty diapers, paying your mistresses kids for the “privilege” of screwing their mom, foot tapping, bestiality, gay meth whores, snuff films or any other sick twisted deviant hypocritical Republican “Promise Keeper” Talibangelical KKKristian behavior!
Please, G-d! America has had just about enough freakishly weird sick shit from Republicans to last several generations. Make it stop! Please!!!!”
Oh, I forgot… I signed the “prayer” above I had written for “Governor Sanford goes missing!”
“Amen, from one of your relatively boring gay children…”
I’m Tim and I’m an addict/alcoholic with five years nine months and thirteen days clean/sober time, and I’m with “Joan.” Stop beating yourself up. You will always have loyal fans like us! Who cares if you have a couple extra pounds???!!! Not us! People like us (survivors of bipolar and drugs/alcohol) ought to be thankful we are STILL AROUND! I know I am, and I’m glad you are sharing your journey with us. You give lots of us hope, Carrie! Don’t forget that.
One more day of CHOOSING to take that bipolar medicine and no drugs or alcohol, and I’m BETTER for it!
g’nite and sweet dreams!
Carrie, I’m with you on the ‘weight thing’! My hope and prayer is that I will know when I’m really ready to focus on losing and thus stop fooling myself. Thank you for your amazing way with words. Your blog makes my day…
Hi Carrie,
I have seen your brilliant show. I want to see it again. I am doing ECT!!! My memory is not great I can totally relate!!!! Anyway I wish you all the luck in New York!!!!
“… we were in New York and kept fairly active, gamboling about, having meetings and seeing people and plays, along with the indisputable fact that I’m lazy and seemingly incapable of doing anything on a daily basis, excepting regular sessions where I beat myself up for NOT doing things on a daily basis, but ALSO, (as if the above wasn’t enough to ponder), I’m overweight, so I have to spend A LOT of time being horrified about that, (and for those of you sporting extra pounds, you know how time consuming THAT can be)…”
That just cracked me up!
Anyway…I’m still following your incredibly funny and thoughtful blog!
All the best to you.
Hi Carrie, it’s a honor to write to you. I am hoping you might write something on your blog about Michael Jackson. I’m interested in your perspective of him. My condolences on the loss of your friend.
Best,
a fan
Well Im back too I guess. BE GLAD you can be near your daughter at all. My wife took my son, he is starting his last year in HS and I CAN NOT be with him, as I sooooo wanted to be. He told me last time we were together how his buddies agreed ” “it” was much more fun when you were around Dad”. Anyway, youre lucky…thank God for ot and the time…and DONT let them “blow you off”. They really do llike having us around. Dave.
P.S. checked tour locations….BERKLEY????…GOD when do you QUIT playing HIPPIE???? Come down and “play” Florida some place…preferably Tampa/St Pete….or Miami. SCREW Ca. as it does you…lol. Dave.
I had a cool mom. Married young (19…to a man 17 years older). A former Homecoming Queen (a tradtition continued by my ‘cool’ sister, whom I thought the school administration would rename our high school upon her commencement). Anyway, it SUCKED having a cool mom. All my friends from pre and post-adolescence would call and if my mom answered the phone, I’d be lucky if I ever was handed the receiver. And even when I finally was able to talk to my friends, each of them would immediatley confess that they had a hard-on from simply listening to her voice over the phone. She would also lay out in a bikini in the summer. It turned me gay, and I have deep-seated oedipal issues as a result. I’m spending money I don’t have in therapy. Don’t try to be a ‘cool’ mom.
P.S. I have a young gay friend who hasn’t seen ‘Postcards From the Edge’, so I’m having a movie night tonight. We’re gonna watch it with your commentary since he doesn’t know who your mother is and most of the ‘back story’ will be lost on him (just the kind of audience you want, no?)…kids…
Your daughter has no idea what she is missing to have a mother that actually cares for and worries about what is going on in her life. Although u know kids will be kids and it seems like it is in there nature to drive there parents to the brink of insanity. Good luck in New York.
Hi Carrie, I enjoyed what you wrote above. Very creative, articulate and so much TRUTH. I’m a father and experience much of what you articulated.
You have much insight..thanks
Carrie- I just read your book in one shot– love love love it– as a recovered drinker (if there is such a thing) my non Hollywood family is more messed dup than yours- but I hope my book will be just as interesting and entertaining as your — and considering we just found out my recently deceased and wealthy father has a whole other family in San Fran (A Russian woman – 30 years his jr and 5 years younger than me ) — anyway- if any chance you’ll see this I just email ‘Feedback’ on the Broadway page to request your show there—learned that might be the procedure via Kathy GRiffen – I will see you there I hope -
Carrie, I just watched all 6 movies for the first time in a looong while and I think to have been a part of that and everything else in your life must have been quite an amazing adventure!!
Have a good day
hello there…
i have just been luckily enough to receive a copy of wishful drinking from my good friend emma, one of the many presents that she was kind enough to bestow upon me last thursday on my birthday.
long enough sentence? let’s hope so…
loved it to bits and it was partly responsible for inspiring a paragraph or two that I have added to the blog on my site…
like i said, loved it, loved it, loved it…
all thevery best to you
arber x
Have you ever been recommended to Jungian analysis? There’s really a lot to it, for me… I relate so much to your humor and the voice in your writing, as I have a very taxing emotional nature/history. There’s something familiar to me. I am a little surprised at the contrast between the confidence of your writing and the honest struggle for your selfhood in your books and the dissociation in the more casual, day-to-day appearances you make on TV and in this blog. Like, why do you give yourself so much license to repeat self-demeaning things? It’s really not always funny. It seems like a fall-back, and you are so Chock-Full of GEMS in your writing (it’s the chief characteristic!). I like your sincerity and find it easy to get. I can’t understand people who aren’t as open (or bewildered) as easily. I feel like you’re sort of an important person out there in the mix, and I root for you. I wish you could find deep down healing, and be able to be grounded, and be that example of harnessing the wild energy and expressing the wisdom you have. Your dynamism (and craziness) is so meaningful. I hope you get more accepting and loving of yourself, and exemplify that. You’d really set the world on fire.
Thank you so much for writing your books!! Your poems are phenomenal. Would love to read more. They just push thrilling reading into a high pleasure. You’re so much fun. Wish you a very prolific future and great success on broadway-
I was talking with Linda Colley, (Tom Scott’s sister) about you just the other day. She was telling me some funny and touching stories about her encounters with you over the years. I tried to fill in her with everything I know you’ve been up to (via your books and show, plus I gave her the blog address.) Hopefully you’ve made contact. She wanted to hear what you’ve been up to. I loved your show at the Geffen Playhouse….hope it’s just as funny in NYC. Who can not love you?
Carrie thank you for sharing about your daughter, I have one too, she’s 14. What a trying time this has been, she’s a great kid, don’t get me wrong, but I thought we would always be tight and right now we are not. She loves her mother I know that, but now her boyfriend is much more important that I am, and I feel jealous and I feel guilty for being jealous. When I was pregnant with her it was such a terrible time in my life, her father had left us, who I adored and obsessed over, and it was just her and I. And when she was in me, in my stomach, I felt I would never be alone again, all the feelings I had had growing up, that I would never be loved, that I was unloveable were erased by the life I carried inside me. I have never been happier than when I was pregnant, and it has been a hard road but a worthwhile one as you know from experience. What she has taught me about myself and my capacity to give and to love has been immesurable, but she has broken my heart many, many times and that too has been a learning experience, painful, stressful, but full of love and I guess thats what life is. Thank you for always sharing with us your experience it makes me feel not so alone.